Return Of The Bondage Files: Cone Man; Saffron Stigma; Are You Flocking With Me?

Crazy Days playing out across the nation and in the 24/680 as we Homo Sapiens work out our collective future and soldier on each in our own way.

Some might say we’re making progress in many areas and losing ground in others as we continue to play Hide the Senator and Hyper Hypocrisy appears to be flourishing in government like algae in a certain reflecting pool. With this in mind, Tuba Skinny on our playlist and no clear direction developing we thought it the perfect time to resurrect The Bondage Files – that fabled collection of newsman’s mish-mosh and story bits that sum up the local mood but just don’t seem to fit anywhere else.

For the uninitiated or those with flagging memories The Files were the brainchild of a word-weary San Francisco Examiner desk editor who compiled the soupçon elements of weekly news stories too ironic, unbelievable or downright filthy to report on their own and shared them internally with reporters who appreciated their tone and could handle the often bitter world view.

And, lest any of you be afraid, our compendium of literate detritus has no actual relation to the leather-clad revelries of those who like to play on the Dark Side – so read on without fear:

BUZZER BEATER
The boys (and gals?) of Engine Company 15 were assigned to investigate a malfunctioning electrical outlet a homeowner had reported at a Rossmoor bungalow recently, splitting up upon arrival at the domicile in a concerted effort to track down the source of a strange humming sound while the homeowner fussed and fretted. The mystery was solved when a grinning firefighter emerged from a bathroom with an electric toothbrush that had been forgotten and was left humming merrily on its own.

CONE OF SILENCE
Police received a call from a person who had witnessed a crash on a local highway, the person on the line relating that a car had spun out and hit a traffic cone. Advised that the loss of a traffic cone was important but not exactly the highest of priorities the laconic witness seemed to agree and said he would pass that assessment on to “the highway guy.” Asked where “the highway guy” was the witness floored dispatch when he deadpanned “he was holding the traffic cone.”

STOP FLOCKING WITH ME
First heralded as an important new weapon in the fight against crime those Flock cameras popping up like mushrooms around the 24/680 and elsewhere have come under more critical scrutiny of late with some folks pushing back. Locals are concerned about privacy issues and government data tracking after reports of police abuse of the data the cameras collect – including hundreds of cases where police used law enforcement databases to get information on romantic partners, neighbors, journalists (oh oh) or business associates. A Lafayette teen expressed his opposition to the local FlockCams by seeking them out and vandalizing several of the gizmos in turn in recent weeks. Others have had their lenses painted over or cracked by BB gun fire and that trend appears to be continuing as police agencies take measures to protect the cams, locals establishing online networks to find them. We hate to be the ones to say “we told you so” but, well, we told you that this might happen back when local towns and cities were clamoring for the roadside trackers.

SAFFRON BLUES
Area chefs given to preparing certain foods have always complained about the high cost of Saffron – those vibrant red threads taken from the flower of the saffron crocus (Crocus sativus). The plant likely originated in Greece or Iran, and today the spice is mainly produced in countries like Iran, India, and Greece. Each flower produces only three delicate red stigmas, which must be plucked completely by hand and taking roughly 75,000 to 150,000 individual blossoms and hundreds of hours of intense labor to produce just a single pound of finished saffron spice. Cool, but why should we care, you ask? Well, certain aggressive international actions have further impacted production and import of the key ingredient and local prices are jumping commensurately. No more Risotto a la News24/680 in the bunker until things stabilize.

NEO WOULD BE PROUD
Those of you making the drive to, well, just about anywhere today know that your chances of encountering a barely-contained sociopath while on the road are really quite good. One of our readers had the misfortune of drifting into one such rager’s sights recently whilst merging onto Highway 24 in Lafayette.

“I was trying to give everyone room, minding the ‘zipper’ and letting people in, when I saw him speed up and try to close me out in my mirror,” Dean wrote. “It was pretty clear I was going to beat him to the lane but I stayed right hoping he would pass only to see him sort of theatrically decelerate and then go absolutely nuts, pounding the wheel and throwing himself around while shooting at me with finger guns. He really put on a show…”

Faced with the finger-fired fusillade and being movie literate Dean said he responded instinctively, adopting the back-bending, arm waggling rooftop movements of Keanu Reeves in The Matrix, miraculously avoiding each incoming round and further confounding his self-assigned AutoTormentor.

“It probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do but I gave him my best Neo wave as he passed and the look on his face was worth it – utter confusion.”

Dean said things ended when Aggro Man veered left and speed off north on I-680, leaving Dean feeling very Neo.

That’s it for this edition of The Files. If you have something you feel may be suitable for inclusion in our next effort, send ‘er on in via our Tip Line.