Life And Death In ‘BurbLandia; Junk Mail; The Orange Cowboy

Caught in a swirl of stories and happenings in the 24/680 lately, some of them our own circling back to reach us as new – some funny and others not so much – but all part of that treadmill we’re on, each of us stamped with our own expiration date and walking till we stop.

Time has been running out for some we’ve dubbed “The Invisibles,” under bridges and overpasses and in what have come to be known as “encampments,” a misleading term that almost makes living in one seem like life on some sort of urban camping trip.

Others, arguably more blessed with earthly possessions, are moved to take one last walk in their garden or backyard before giving up their grip on the earthly world, leaving loved ones to decipher what motivated them in their last moments.

And, lest you think us preternaturally inclined to the gloomy, we’ve been personally affected by the loss of some of these people and we are prone to writing about stuff like that to keep the bottle cap from popping off.

Turning to the Funny Front, we’re seeing some pretty stellar breakups taking place in public places and, man, some of you ladies sure do seem to get revved up during these things. Lots of finger-pointing and head shaking and F-bombing and we’re feeling sorry for the targeted male in these cases – standing there hands in pockets while everyone gawks – because they sure seem to be taking a pasting.

One gent wrote with a cautionary tale about breaking up in the local Applebee’s, telling his gal pal things weren’t working out and that he thought it might be time for them to call it quits.

“She went ballistic, calling me all sorts of names and suggesting I was dumping her because I was gay – and I knew things were getting hot because the waitress came to check on us and did this 180-turn, recognizing the signs, and refusing to approach our table,” our pen pal wrote. “All I could do was sit there, holding my beer ’cause I thought she’d throw it at me. After a while I just wanted her to leave but before she did she cursed me out for breaking up with her at an Applebee’s ’cause I was cheap and it wouldn’t cost me as much…”

Ain’t love grand? Or does it just cost that much? We dunno, but all you lovers take it easy on each other out there – maybe shake hands, share a hug if amicable, and walk away when things go bad. It’s best.

Talk about getting some bad news delivered in another way, there was the Martinez homeowner who heard some noise at their front door recently and, upon investigation, realized that someone was pushing their private, unregistered package through the male slot – and thank heaven the house schnauzer didn’t get wind of that before the resident managed to frighten the anonymous deliveryman away.

Also unwelcome and apparently highly whizzable – visible – was the gent who sauntered into a local coffee shop, apparently well into his personal cocktail hour at 10:30 a.m., skirting the line for the restroom and relieving himself on the spot.

Asked how responding officers could ID The Offender staff told them he was wearing an orange cowboy hat – just so they’d be sure to recognize him – those Day Glo Orange Stetsons putting more bad men in the hoosegow than the traditional black ones these days.

That’s it for now, more yarns coming in as we speak. Stick around (and thanks to all our new Flashers and subscribers this past week!) – there are more on the way.