COVID Cowboys – Haircut Parties; Catalytic Converter Hunts; And Unsportsmanlike Roadkill

Americans – even 24/680 residents – appear to have hit the limits of their patience with health department edicts to remain sheltered in place.

Tales of a return to morning commute patterns and nocturnal crime waves by people with no fear of being punished have become regular fare for us these days.

A Commando Reconnaissance of local roads confirms what we suspected: that unwary animals lured into a false sense of security by the month-long absence of humans took it right between the antlers when we returned to the roadways in our 5,000-pound SUVs.

So unfair. To us, that’s like declaring “Ollie Ollie Oxen Free” and then opening fire on the kiddies when they come bouncing out of the bramble.

Our hope for lasting change and commitment to freshly scrubbed air, reduced noise levels and diminished traffic went out the window as soon as we saw armed beauticians and car mechanics wrap themselves in the American Flag and threaten a “second Civil War” if their right to move in herds while honking truck horns were infringed.

Even in the relatively sedate 24/680 – where firearms are not displayed on the courthouse steps but rather kept in temperature-controlled “armories” by bankers, lawyers, and physicians who prefer to fondle their triggers over a good Merlot, there are signs of discontent.

Dismay with an extant “Zero Bail” policy many see as handing carte blanche to roaming bands of Bodega Burglars and Catalytic Converter Farmers jacking up cars in the middle of the night and scissoring those devices from them, has set the settlers to grumbling.

People are crabby. We’re still waiting to hear from a business owner who received a PPP loan and despite claims from Jared and his father in law there are some obvious problems with the way our leaders handled an “unexpected” medical crisis experts have predicted would come for years.

Exactly who is profiting – and losing – during this societal upheaval has also left us with a unsettled feeling, not unlike the one we get after seeing Joe Namath hawking those Medicare payment plans.

And, speaking of bad hair, what exactly is a Haircut Party? Is it another name for a rigged poker game or an actual gathering where people cut each others’ hair? We suspect it’s the latter, only with music and revelry, and they tend to attract attention.

Which brings us to one final question for today’s screed: Who are people going to drop a dime on when we – hopefully – claw our way out of this lockdown thing? Right now, it’s a sport many play in lieu of binge watching every possible show on Netflix – players dialing up the Five O, muttering coordinates, and then waiting for the constables to corral improperly distanced paramours and partiers and suburban cosmetologists.

And we’ll bet the Po-Lice just love having to do that. Almost as much as they enjoy having to cite-release obvious repeat/habitual offenders they’re seeing night after night.

What’s it all mean, Binky? We wish we knew. Change is in the wind and we, along with everyone else, are just waiting to see which way it blows.