Voluntarily cut off from the Sargasso of network television and on the lookout for quality ‘tainment we were surfing the World Wide Interweb in search of suitable fodder and noticed some… trends.
We won’t rag on the state of American cinema because we saw what Bill Maher did with that and what it did to his Twittler Following, realizing full well that we don’t have near his number of fans and that we’re committed to holding onto those of you we do have.
Plus, we acknowledge that it has been tough to film during the Age of ‘Rona.
But if you’ve risked life and limb and gone to a movie theater or shelled out a down payment for a first car and streamed a video movie lately we think it fair to assume you’ve noticed a few common factors:
* English actors make superb villains – apparently because they use words Americans don’t understand.
* Randy teenagers still haven’t learned to avoid summer camps and remote cabins. Tsk tsk.
* There are super heroes, vampires and zombie colonies just about everywhere. Still.
* Our former governator did not dispatch The Predator – it’s still around and snacking on us.
* Some notoriously tight-fisted rock bands have apparently released the rights to their tracks.
* Speaking of music, don’t ignore the Leitmotif in film – that recurring music means something.
* If you’re an American director and your story line is dragging, blow something up or stage a super tacticool shootout during which your star can show off the moves learned during their two weeks at an Israeli close quarters combat academy. You can disavow your apparent affection for automatic weapons later – at the awards gala.
With the plethora of upcoming movie offerings built around cape-swirling supers, scenes revealing the lead actor’s buff new look and nether regions, and other efforts built on rock solid franchises like Halloween and Game of Thrones and Dungeons and Dragons (whaaat?) we fear our answer to Gladiator’s challenging cry of “Are You Not Entertained?” will have to be a resounding “Nope.”
The game plan for this year’s movie lineup appears to be: Find a tried-and-true storyline you can rehash, draft a former A-Level actor, jazz up their lines with lots of Eff and MotherEff-bombs, release the movie in time for Halloween, declare it a success and send your star and hot new ingenue off to do the expected press tour, each carefully praising the other for their chops.
So, more Spiderman, more story lines involving combat veterans abused by their country and driven to ruin and robbery after heroic service and sacrifice (and more demonstration of that small arms acumen) along with circuitous storylines with unbelievable, no actually unbelievable cgi and derring-do all explained away with a toss away but irrefutable tagline – e.g. “Family.”
Expect lots of heroic searching for what Maher described as “the glowy thing,” the golden, lightning inducing egg or tablet or god knows what with plot-altering powers, but not a lot of original story lines and characters. That we have been able to find. If you know of any, let us know and, yes, we have a backlog of suggested movies we’re working through. We’ll let you know how that goes, soon.