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“Please Excuse Our Occasional Missile Alerts – And Come Back Again, Soon! Mahalo!”


In a capper to a pretty wild week here in the 24/680 we learned that most of our neighbors were vacationing on one or another of the normally tranquil Hawaiian isles when informed that missiles targeting their hotels would soon arrive to vaporize them into radioactive powder.

As you might imagine, this news was received in a variety of ways. Some took emergency precautions, filling bathtubs and sinks with water and wondering what life would be like in a post-nuclear apocalypse without benefit of room service. Others, interestingly, pretty much accepted their fate, some heading to the beaches or their favorite bars to toast the incoming MIRVs and their last seconds on earth.

If you gotta go, we guess Hawaii is a pretty good place to do it.

But, of course, it all turned out to be a horrible mistake, with some state official “pushing the wrong button” and issuing an alert notifying hundreds of thousands that many – if not all – of them were about to die.

We here at NEWS24/680 were aware of this pretty early on, being devotees of alternative news feeds and hearing from panicky vacationers saying goodbye to loved ones and “F You!” to Kim Jong-un. A gym filled with U.S. servicemen and women near Washington, D.C. “emptied by half” as U.S. Marines there for a morning workout started receiving Facetime messages from loved ones back in the islands ringing them to say goodbye. This initial burst of news was quickly followed by another, that Washington itself had been targeted – and to stay away from any bright, pulsing flashes spotted near Capitol Hill.

Human. Yes. And proof that scuttlebutt still moves through the military with lightning swiftness. But it also left many of us – professional golfers, hotel maids, retirees, Marine infantryman – wondering what would have happened had this alert been the alert.

We’ll leave you with that cheery thought.


    • @Greg – You’re in our heads, Greg, for we, too, provide “push” or “Flash” alerts to subscribers. Our man in charge of their distribution is tested routinely for mental stability and caffeine consumption. But, solemnly, we try to check and double-check each “Flash” before it goes out and we provide instantaneous updates via the same system so no one is left hanging with the threat of missiles over their heads.

  1. Our neighbors are there and coming home early. That relaxing vaction they wanted isn’t happening even though they poured a couple of barrels of mai tais down after this happened!!

  2. It happens. I believe it was a mistake, and I don’t understand the mindset of people who thought someone did this on purpose. Kudos to those who remained calm.

  3. Has anyone read The Shock Doctrine by Naomi Klein? Whenever things like this happen, it comes to mind. Highly recommend it.

  4. What have we learned from this? That our governments early warning system is flawed and that there is no cogent plan to protect ourselves in the event something like this should actually come to pass.

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